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a song of ascents from the depths - or, is it possible to change?

Front Page

Three lines of text. All lines are in a large, bold font. The text appears to have degraded somewhat from being photocopied.

At the top is the text "a song of ascents from the depths"

A short distance below that is the word "or", indented and at an upward-slanting angle.

The next text is further away, not slanted, and reads "is it possible to change?"

Inside Front Page

Two sections of text in the same bold, degraded text style.

The first section is a series of dedications.

start text

for noach mibeis malkah v'james
the patients of unit 2G
binya kóatz
r xava decordova
r ariana katz
the staff of unit 2G

end text

The second series of text is indented and slanted upward

start text

every return is a change
every change is a return

end text

Page 1

Two sections of text. The first is in the same bold text as before and has no slant. The second is in a lighter, thinner text and is tilted downward about 15 degrees

The first line begins with a word formed from typing multiple words over each other. It appears that the first letter of the longest overlapping word is "s" and the last is "h". In the text below, this word is represented as the word "undiscernable". The word "us" in the second paragraph is also visually distorted by being typed over itself.

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(indented line): undiscernable elohim said:

(unintended) here. the human has become one of us
to know good and evil.

and now: what if they stretch their hand and take also from the tree of life and eat forever?

end text

There's a short distance to the second text.

start text

rabbi abba bar kahana said:

this teaches that the holy one of
blessings opened for the humnan an
opening of change called "and now".

for there is no "and now" except change

end text

Page 2

Two sections of text in large, bold, degraded font.

The first section is unslanted and unindented. The second word is again formed by typing two words over each other. This time, it is possible to discern that one of the words is "angel", and the other word has an "i" in it, but both are obscured by each other. In the text throughout the rest of the zine, this double word will be represented by the letter X.

start text

the X came to me
when i was a teenager

it spoke to me, saying:

end text

There's a long vertical break before the next text, which is also indented to the middle and slanted down 45 degrees

start text

what if?

end text

Page 3

This page is artwork. A handwritten version of the phrase "what if" has been repeated over and over on the page, slanted downward 45 degrees. In the upper left, the copies are only slightly overlapping and are fairly legible. Moving further down the artwork and to the right, the repetitions become more frequent, overlapping to the point of being illegible.

As the artwork moves to the right and down, the words are also smudged as if while paint is drying, causing splotches of lighter tones than the black text of "what if". In the very bottom right, there is a reddish glow that is also smudged into the densest section of overlapping text.

Page 4

Two sections of text. The first is in large, bold font. The second in lighter font. The first is right-aligned. The second is left aligned

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fear says: (note: whitespace here so the next words are right-aligned) - pema chödrön
my weapons are that i talk fast, and i get
very close to your face...and you do whatever
i say. if you don't do what i tell you, i have no
power. you can listen to me, and you can
have respect for me. you can even be
convinced by me. but i you don't do what i
say, i have no power

end text

start text

as i grew older, my word grew smaller, and the X grew stronger. obeying it brought relief, but never peace. and it was never enough

the X lives in the past and the future. when i do what it tells me to, i bring it into the present, into the one time it does not already control. into the one time i am alive and capable of change.

i can hear the X. i can even believe the X

but i cannot do what it says

Page 5

This page is artwork.

In the middle of the page is a list of activities:

sending letters
writing emails
making phone calls
having conversations
giving lectures
writing papers
sending texts
leaving my house
leaving my room
having thoughts
having feelings
being human

The left and right sides of the page start with vertical bands of black. These bands have been smudged into the center of the page, leaving a trail of dark dots and grey smeared over and into the text, obscuring sections though leaving each phrase mostly decipherable.

Again, there is a reddish glow in the lower light that is also being smeared up and to the left into the rest of the artwork

Page 6

A poem. The text is in a bold font, degraded from multiple photocopies. The bottom of the page is dithered.

Sections of whitespace are denoted with "[whitespace]"

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the air is heavier
in the sunrise terrace

breathing in an orange
as it thaws

hands in the dirt garden

chalk drawings in the
caulk between
bricks [whitespace] saying

give the infinite to the endless

[slight indent] saying

[large indent] i was here too

Page 7

On the left is a poem in large, faded type. The poem is rotated so that the text slants downward slightly.

On the right is what appears to be a drawing of an arm with tefillin, in muted and mostly grayscale tones.

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the tallis wasn't mine
tefillin at home in
their boxes. strap
wrapped strange

i bound myself to the world
in justice in
love in compassion in
what if

what if i do
what if
i

i do not know this place
i will

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Page 8

Three sections of text.

The first section is in large bold font. The first line is left-aligned, the rest are right-aligned.

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rebbe nachman says
"i am prepared to be" corresponds to
change. before changing, a person
does not have being. it is as if she does
not yet exist in the world

end text

The second section of text is shifted a bit down the page, in lighter text and all left-aligned

i am no sheyd to know the future
no changeless malakh out of time

i am prepared to be

i am change

end text

The third section of text is again in large bold font, this time left-aligned and slanted down

start text

i exist in this world

end text

Page 9

An artwork

Centered text, positioned between the top and middle of the page vertically:

bliss is being breath bliss is this bodymind full of the torah of

i am becoming what i am becoming

The words "i am becoming" have been repeated multiple times around themselves, forming a small cloud of text, starting more legible and then fading more and more

At the bottom of the page is a picture of a cloud shaped like a butterfly in a blue sky. This has been smudged upward, forming streaks of blue sky and grey cloud flowing upward, around the text and slightly over the "i am becoming" text

At the top right is the reddish glow on prior pages, smudged down and to the left, mingling with the blue from below.

Page 10

A poem. The first and last two stanzas are in larger font than the rest. Whitespace is indicated with "[whitepsace]".

yaakov remained alone
struggling with the angel of fear
until the dust of their conflict
rose with the dawn

[large indent] the angel
[small indent] knows only one purpose:
to fight until i set it free [whitespace] to sing
its song to the name

the angel fire burns
but i am the dust of the pit
and the water of the well

i will move and
be moved

(i will struggle
and i will rest)

[very large indent] here

Page 11

Artwork

There are three lines of text

The first is slanted upward, and reads: "count me with those who descend to the pit"

The second has no slant and reads: "as dust i will praise the Name".

The third is slanted downward, is less bold than the others, and reads: "i will turn the pit of sheol into an overflowing well."

At the top of the page are green and black, smudged together and smeared down toward the text, slightly covering some pieces of the first line of text. The green and black goes down the left side of the page, while the right side is left blank. As it travels down the left side, it obscures the word "i" in "i will turn the pit..."

At the bottom of the page is blue and white, perhaps the clouds again though it isn't clear. Streaks of white are smudged through the blue.

Page 12

The top of the page is a picture of a lake, taken through a metal fence. The bottom of the picture has been faded and smudged.

In bold, there is the following text:

rabbi elazar said:

even though the gates of prayer were locked, the gates of tears were not locked

end text

Below that text, and slanted downard, is the text

hear my prayer
listen to my cries
do not be silent to my tears

end text

The bottom of the page is a mixture of grey with bit of black smeared into it from the left

Page 13

Text on top, slanted downard:

start text

the gates of prayer are
sometimes open
sometimes locked

the gates of change are
always open

end text

Below the text is the Hebrew letter chet, with a very slanted top, each line formed out of a thick cloud of little dots.

Back Page

In large, bold font:

citing sources is punk as hell
- rabbi joshua ben levi

end text

Then, a series of citations:

(front page) "a song of ascents from the depths" is the opening of tehillim 130. (1) a sugye from bereishis rabbah 21. (4) quote from p34 of "when things fall apart". (6) "give the infinite to the endless" is an interpretation of an idea from mishnah pesachim that i learned from r xava decordova. (7) poem inspired by tehillim 1. (8) quote is from likutei moharan 6. the ideas about malakhim and sheydim are from chagigah 16. (9) the second stanza is based on a quote from hoshea 2 that is said while laying tefillin. (10) the opening is an interpretive translation of bereishis 32 based on the sfas emes. the idea about the angel, in defeat, being able to sing is from chullin 91. (11) text based on ideas in tehillim 30. (12) sugye from berakhos 32. (13) sugye from devarim rabbah 32. (back page) quote from pirkei avos 6.

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Below that, in small type

all translation mistakes and heresies are mine, but using as references:
Talmud/Mishnah: Steinsaltz
Midrash: Sefaria's new translation
Torah: Everett Fox
Nakh: JPS and Koren

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At the far bottom right:

etzhi.com/zines

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end zine